What Starbucks Can Teach Doctors

I’m sitting in a Starbucks now pleased that I found one of the few plush purple chairs to sink into. While this is not my regular coffee haunt, I will patronize them at times. I cannot drink their high octane coffee and will order some milder tasting overpriced beverage instead.

I don’t come here for their food and drink. I come in spite of them. I buy a drink and consider this my rent for the time and space.

I am put off that one can’t use traditional English when requesting a specific beverage size here. Is there something wrong with the conventional terms small, medium and large? You won’t hear me utter the highfalutin descriptions tall, grande or vente. If I want a medium hot chocolate, my usual purchase, then those will be my chosen words.

At Dunkin Donuts, where coffee is velvet, the staff sport T-shirts emblazoned with the statement:

Friends Won’t Let Friends Drink Starbucks.

This should replace In God We Trust as our national motto.

Yet, this place is packed. The car line at the drive through was a dozen cars long. Folks will wait 20 minutes in line to buy an overpriced beverage that could be used as industrial insecticide.

How do they do it?

I wish my office waiting room could lure crowds like this. Perhaps, I have a chronic case of Frappuccino envy. There’s brilliant marketing and branding going on in the guts of Starbucks. As a gastroenterologist, I’m supposed to know something about guts, yet I admit that I am mystified. They have convinced us that this is the hip place to hang out, and we march to them like lemmings. It reminds me of the cosmetics industry, which has masterfully convinced us to pay too much money for stuff we don’t need.

A Lemming Craving Caffeine

Medicine is a different beast, but maybe we private practitioners can learn a few things from these marketing mavens.

I need to start revising my medical terminology.

The Old Loser Term The New Cool Hip Lingo

You need a colonoscopy May I offer you a Colonoscopuccino?

You have a large ulcer You got a Vente Gastriato Macchiato

Skip hemorrhoid creams. Go No Whip!

Perhaps, I can partner with these guys. Anyone who manages to get their stuff down their gullet will surely need a gastroenterologist.

When Should Doctors Retire?

I am asked with some regularity whether I am aiming to retire in the near term. Years ago, I never received such inquiries. Why now? Might it be because my coiffure and goatee – although finely-manicured – has long entered the gray area? Could it be because many other even younger physicians have given up their stethoscopes for lives of leisure? (Hopefully, my inquiring patients are not suspecting me of professional performance lapses!) Interestingly, a nurse in my office recently approached me and asked me sotto voce that she heard I was retiring. “Interesting,” I remarked. Since I was unaware of this retirement news, I asked her when would be my last day at work. I have no idea where this erroneous rumor originated from. I requested that my nurse-friend contact her flawed intel source and set him or her straight. Retirement might seem tempting to me as I have so many other interests. Indeed, reading and studying, two longstanding personal pleasures, could be ext

Should Doctors Wear White Coats?

Many professions can be easily identified by their uniforms or state of dress. Consider how easy it is for us to identify a policeman, a judge, a baseball player, a housekeeper, a chef, or a soldier. There must be a reason why so many professions require a uniform. Presumably, it is to create team spirit among colleagues and to communicate a message to the clientele. It certainly doesn’t enhance professional performance. For instance, do we think if a judge ditches the robe and is wearing jeans and a T-shirt, that he or she cannot issue sage rulings? If members of a baseball team showed up dressed in comfortable street clothes, would they commit more errors or achieve fewer hits? The medical profession for most of its existence has had its own uniform. Male doctors donned a shirt and tie and all doctors wore the iconic white coat. The stated reason was that this created an aura of professionalism that inspired confidence in patients and their families. Indeed, even today

The VIP Syndrome Threatens Doctors' Health

Over the years, I have treated various medical professionals from physicians to nurses to veterinarians to optometrists and to occasional medical residents in training. Are these folks different from other patients? Are there specific challenges treating folks who have a deep knowledge of the medical profession? Are their unique risks to be wary of when the patient is a medical professional? First, it’s still a running joke in the profession that if a medical student develops an ordinary symptom, then he worries that he has a horrible disease. This is because the student’s experience in the hospital and the required reading are predominantly devoted to serious illnesses. So, if the student develops some constipation, for example, he may fear that he has a bowel blockage, similar to one of his patients on the ward.. More experienced medical professionals may also bring above average anxiety to the office visit. Physicians, after all, are members of the human species. A pulmon

sleeplessscheherazadeFebruary 17, 2013 at 4:26 PM
I almost wanted to shout, "I want a Colonoscapuccino!!", until I realized what that actually meant. So I think I will decline the whip and the colonoscapuccino and stay clear of Starbucks altogether.
ARCpoint Labs of Rock HillFebruary 18, 2013 at 12:06 PM
The new terms are much more appealing. Great observation at Starbucks.
Arcpoint Greenville NCFebruary 20, 2013 at 4:34 PM
Although I disagree about the quality of Starbuck's coffee I do agree they are doing something very well when it comes to marketing. Having a comfortable place for customers is always important.
Michael Kirsch, M.D.February 20, 2013 at 10:27 PM
@Arcpoint, you southeners must have tough stomachs, and that's the opinion of a northern gastroenterologist.
ARCpoint Labs of Altamonte SpringsFebruary 21, 2013 at 10:22 AM
May I offer you a Colonoscopuccino? Too funny! Great post, and so true!
RavgenFebruary 21, 2013 at 8:14 PM
I always feel weird ordering there because I don't like their special lingo! Very entertaining post!
Dallas Pain DoctorFebruary 23, 2013 at 11:12 PM
Its crazy what doctors must learn!
Noel Henley, MDFebruary 25, 2013 at 10:03 AM
Starbucks has set themselves up as "the third place", number one and two are home and work.

It's a place customers "want to be".

While our offices may not ever become places patients want to be (aside from creating some sort of GI spa side business!), we can de-commoditize our medical services by providing a physical environment that makes patients comfortable and train our staff to match our vision for a better in-office experience.

Thanks for the post!

Noel

MD Whistleblower

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