Board Recertification in Gastroenterology: More Fun than Colonoscopy

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This coming Thursday, I will have the joy and pleasure of taking the gastroenterology (GI) board recertification exam.   There will be many entertaining elements to the experience, as other board certified physicians already know.  Although there will be many fun delights, some will clearly be more amusing than others.

Which of the following features of the GI board examination will be most fun?  While more than one answer may be correct, choose the best answer.

(1)    A 490 minute all day exam is a thrill, by definition

(2)    Losing a day of income

(3)    Paying the American  Board of Internal Medicine (ABIM) $1200

(4)    Pleasing my partners who will cover my practice

(5)    Having my palm vein recognition scan to verify my identity every time I reenter the room

During this exam, each giddy examinee will be provided with a computer station.  I am nostalgic already for the proctor of yore announcing, ‘pencils down!’, as there will be no pencils permitted in the examination room.  In fact, many items are forbidden in the sancta sanctorum, the examination chamber. For example, portable phones, wallets and watches are classified as contraband by the ABIM Security Police.  While I understand that my phone could be a secret repository of important facts on the life cycle of the hookworm, a likely exam topic on a parasite that no American gastroenterologist ever sees, what’s the fear about wearing a timepiece?   Are they worried that my watch might be an upgraded version of Maxwell Smart’s shoe phone, allowing me to quietly ‘phone a friend’ whom is poised to Google my urgent request?   

At the present time, the ABIM is still permitting test takers to take the exam fully clothed, although this policy is under review.   Security professionals are concerned that examinees might have secret wires and antennae woven into their underclothing, which could transmit stealth information on hemorrhoids and flatulence –key board topics – to the GI board certified wannabee.   Perhaps, the ABIM intel pros fear that a ‘wristwatch’ might actually be a monitor where such improper information could be displayed.  This would explain the wristwatch prohibition.  The solution, of course, is to require that all examinees take their recertification exams naked.  While this appears to violate established social mores, this is outweighed by ABIM’s desire and obligation to secure the exam.  This should be acceptable to medical professionals who confront nakedness every day.  After all, we are doctors.  The proctor, however, who does not have a medical degree, would have to be blindfolded throughout the exam.

I now mention a specific ABIM board examination restriction in its own paragraph to set it apart.  I, MDWhistleblower, solemnly affirm that the following sentence is true and is paraphrased from the ABIM web site.  Examinees are not permitted to bring suitcases in the exam room.  I wish I were funny enough to make stuff like this up.

Of course, we will be warned that any ‘irregular behavior’ will be reported to the authorities, which can result in severe professional sanctions.   We gastroenterologists know more about irregularity than any other physician, and we should have been consulted on this issue.   We would have suggested that any first offenders be subjected to a rigid sigmoidoscopy performed by a first year surgical resident.   I suspect this would serve as an adequate deterrent against temptation, and would guarantee very regular behavior.

Before the examination begins, I will have to agree to a Pledge of Honesty.  I’d like the ABIM to agree to a Pledge also.  Do they pledge that this examination, and the 5 required home study modules that preceded it, will make me a better gastroenterologist?    I have already opined on this issue.

Do any other physicians believe that board recertification is ‘irregular’.  If so, I propose a rigid response to the ABIM.